I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
