two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize