she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
