Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Vodka?
Forever.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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