When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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