I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
