I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
