I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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