I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I didn't notice because vodka
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
