So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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