Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
