News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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