my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize