Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
