Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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