this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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