dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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