I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
