i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize