Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
