Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
