forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
