Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
