I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize