Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
