There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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