i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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