I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
