I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
