i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
