I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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