I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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