arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
