I think I died a long time ago.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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