Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
