Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
