That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
