Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
