I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
What a dumb baby whore.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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