I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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