I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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