The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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