i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
