Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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