You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize