my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
