I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
This is the high leading the old right now
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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