If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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