the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
