some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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