don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Randomize
