So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
