Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
