she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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