They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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