Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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