Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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