i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
