My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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