Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Your penis caused this!
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