finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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