i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
