So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
