Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
