I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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